I have been single for nearly six months after a series of relationships since I was 18. Six months is a long time for me, and it's been interesting learning more about myself during this period.

I got married when I was 20, and I was married until I was 27. I had a very challenging divorce, because much of my identity was wrapped up in being a married person.

I am 33 now. Since my divorce, I've been in a series of relationships where I was not the best version of my self. I have issues with becoming uncommunicative, not being clear with my wants and needs, and sometimes being misleading or contradictory. I am a chronic people pleaser, and I default to giving away more than is healthy for myself or the other person.

I've noticed feeling a lot more self-love and peace and quiet, and so this post is about what I've been observing lately.

Distance

Nowadays, I make the joke that "I don't talk to girls, bro," and I mean this in a distancing sense: I no longer want to deal with other people's expectations of me or even try to navigate social and emotional complexities with other people.

My initial sense of this was actually that it was a regressive instinct that was bad for me. That I was closing myself off in a destructive way. I think I no longer view it this way.

I now see distancing myself from others as being precious, because I have not had a lot of opportunities in my life where I was the only person I cared for -- I was a boyfriend or a husband. I was someone else's exciting fling.

I got a neck tattoo shortly after my most recent breakup. I started shaving my head. I think my hope was that people would leave me alone, that they would see me as someone to avoid. Unfortunately, the neck tattoo looks pretty good, and people really like my buzz cut.

My neck tattoo

The distance that I have created between others and myself, I think now of as simply being healthy boundaries.

A lot of the work that people do to discover how to communicate and establish boundaries between themselves and the rest of the world happens during their 20s. I was married during this period. I did not get the practice that most other people my age have had, and I've had to figure them out much more messily in my late twenties and early thirties.

I think I'm now at the point where my life is quieter, and for the first time I can hear what the inside of my head sounds like when it is not full of the demands and needs of other people.

I love intimacy, and I love having people close to me and feeling seen and understood. Those things are critical for human flourishing. However, I've had the privilege of knowing intimacy and deep understanding from a lot of people in my life through long-term partnership. I am saturated with the love of others -- I know what it is like, and what it offers.

The thing I'm only beginning to understand is self-love. To me, this means being a person who respects and cares for yourself. You are the only person you will ever have. Other people in your life come and go. Situations come and go. You are your own best companion until you die.

I have neglected that partnership with myself to a pretty extreme extent since I was very young, and I'm coming now to appreciate the opportunity that I have to reconnect with myself and make choices to deepen the level of care and understanding that I have for myself.

Self-love

Here are a few things that I've observed about self-love and what that looks like for me.

  • I'm able to navigate my needs in a much simpler way. I don't feel a need to stay out with a bunch of friends super late because I don't want to. I'm good! I had my social experience, and I had a nice time, and I go home and just be by myself.

  • I feel more of a sense of peace and quiet these days.

  • I don't feel a sense of urgency.

  • I can choose how much energy I want to expend.

  • I spent a lot of time walking and thinking and just existing in the world without having to justify it or explain it.

  • I spend energy on things I want to, and I ignore things I don't.

  • I have deepened my friendships in a healthier way than I used to. Friendships are necessary for your self-love, because you cannot generate everything you need for yourself. Other people can show you the best parts of yourself so you have something to appreciate when you go home.

The future

I'm excited to be where I am, and I am excited to look around at my life and make thoughtful, intelligent choices about building the best future for myself.

-- Cameron